Book Review: Nurtureshock
April 1st, 2024- Dane Osborne, LPC
Have you ever considered picking up a new mental health or neuroscience book?
Our very own Dane Osborne draws key takeaways from the book Nurtureshock: New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Children lie because they care about their parents (and other things).
What spurs the increasing volume of white lies that you start to hear from your teen? They care about you. As they mature, the adolescent brain becomes more and more capable of perspective-taking and, by proxy, gains a better understanding of sympathy and empathy. Adolescents become increasingly aware of how their actions may impact others as they grow. For instance, they must understand that mom will be sad if they learn they snuck out of the house. Some parents may focus on the consequence avoidance mechanism of lying. Still, the book posits that adolescents need connection more profoundly than avoiding punishment. They need to be loved and connected to their parents. Will my most recent screw-up cause Mom to stop talking to me? Will Dad still take me to baseball games? In addition, children grow into lying. They learn from adults that certain types of lying are ok from parents. Saving someone's feelings from being hurt, etc.
The school system does not support adolescent brains.
For all of the human innovation, research, and discovery about the adolescent brain, every day life has not caught up with science. The adolescent brain does not wake up at 7 am. Nutureshock suggests that adolescent brains should not be considered awake until about 10 am (more recent research states that it is beneficial to start the school day with physical activity to help the children regulate themselves before being asked to sit all day in a classroom).
The adolescent brain is present-focused.
When a child's brain is going through puberty, the flood of hormones makes thinking ahead extremely difficult. Parents commonly complain that their children do not listen. While this is true to some extent, it is much more complicated than simply “not listening”. When an adolescent is given a task, their brain cannot foresee all the steps necessary to complete it. Other times, teenagers have a different perspective on what "picking up" or "clean means. (a recommendation is to use pictures of how you want the space to look when it's "clean"). Having a picture or huge note helps the task and the goal stay in the adolescent’s present-focused mind.
The present-focused mind is also why adolescents are such significant risk-takers. Nuturschock uses search to highlight how past experience helps us make decisions about current risks. Adolescents do not have experience to draw on, so their brains do not possess the same barriers and foresight to avoid risk as adults do. Sometimes, it's only after trying something that we understand or know we don't like it.
Sibling relationships stay stable over time based on early experiences.
Research shows that the dynamics between siblings during the toddler years remain stable, sometimes even into adulthood. So, what helps with sibling interactions? Concrete examples of how to interact positively with each other are modeled and shown to them consistently over time.
The shocking news is that most children's books on the market depict sibling conflict more often than positive sibling relationships. (Sometimes, parents report that these books give children new ways to be mean to their siblings). Parents should take every opportunity to model positive interactions and healthy relationships at any age. Early intervention goes a long way in terms of promoting healthy sibling relationships.
If you’re curious about additional parenting resources for teens, we can help. Contact us for a free consultation to learn more about ways we can help you support your child.
