Boundaries: Why Are They Such A Pain in the A**?

Written by: Dr. Kaity Brock

Sometimes when people hear the word boundaries, they physically recoil. It seems like such a dirty word, conjuring up ideas about difficult conversations, ending relationships, or pushy friends. On top of that, tendencies like people-pleasing or perfectionism just add more on top of the list of reasons why it’s hard to set limits within your relationships.

This unpleasant bodily sensation may leave you wondering why others can set boundaries so readily and you cannot.

Before you roll your eyes or go running for the hills, let’s talk about some of the real reasons why setting limits is so hard.

Fear of Retribution.

For many of us, we worry deeply about what others think, and the big fear with boundaries is that other people might see us as mean if we set them. So, we walk around in constant fear that someone is going to think we’re jerks because we said no or told someone we don’t like something. You may also feel deeply loyal to a family member or friend despite their shortcomings. I am here to tell you that setting limits with people and sharing your feelings does not mean that all your relationships will be over. Any relationship that is worth having won’t crumble at the first sign of storm. And, if something is bothering us, we deserve and should have the chance to make it better.

Unclear Expectations.

In order to be legitimate, expectations must be clear, stated aloud, and realistic. That means that we can’t go around thinking that someone can read our minds or rely on the expressions of our faces to convey our experiences. “You mean, I have to share my feelings and expectations too?!” In the words of the great Cher Horowitz, “Ugh, as if!” Forgive my cliché example, but if we want the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day, we have to look our partner straight in the eye and ask for it. Or, in today’s world, text it to them in clear, black and white. This ask must be stated clearly, preferably aloud, and realistic, such that the other person is able to carry out the request. Lastly, we need to be careful not to make assumptions. For instance, it could be a big misstep in a relationship to assume that someone will know that we don’t like something. Our loved ones will not always be attuned to us and our facial expressions. Thus, in order to be transparent, we must also have the courage to clearly lay out our expectations.

Unshared Feelings.

Now that our expectations have been clearly outlined, it is important to examine any unshared feelings. As uncomfortable as these conversations might be, we need to tell others when they have hurt us because this allows us to clear the air and move on. As easy as it is to just ghost someone or pretend like something didn’t happen, when ruptures happen in relationships we need to muster up enough strength to tell people directly. Since our friends and loved ones cannot read our minds, we have to assume they don’t know if they’ve hurt us unless we’ve said so. Legendary social worker and speaker, Brene’ Brown, refers to this concept as “making generous assumptions,” meaning that if our loved ones hurt us, we have to graciously assume they did not do it maliciously and we have to give them the chance to make amends and address their behavior. So, if that sounds cringey, bear with me. You could have one awkward conversation discussing your big feelings or you could live with the possible resentment and weirdness that will inevitably build in your relationships if you don’t.

Social Pressures and Relationship Dynamics.

Social behavior in relationships can be tricky to figure out these days. It’s hard to know how often to hangout with a new friend or what is correct number of times to call your new crush. So much of this dance is unspoken which leaves a lot of room for error. It’s easy to step over the line when you have no idea where the line is in the first place. One thing we can do to clear up all of this confusion is just state things aloud. Tell people what is okay and not okay in your relationships. As Oprah says, “we need to teach people how to treat us,” meaning we need to give them direction on acceptable behavior and remind them when they’ve crossed the line and made us uncomfortable. Do not assume they know they know when they’ve messed up or that they know how you’re feeling if you haven’t been clear.

Consequences for Continual Boundary Crossers

So, what are the consequences for pushy people who’ve heard our very clear boundaries and violate them anyway? Shall we have them all line up and force them to listen to an awful pop song on repeat for endless hours? Maybe not, but we can do a few things.

Limiting Disclosure

One thing within our power is to limit disclosure with people. We can share less about our lives with the people who have continually not earned that right. For example, if you have a job that you love but have a problematic boss, it may feel uncomfortable to talk to your friends and family members about the situation. Let’s say your boss has given you a lot of opportunities, but their criticism of your work is tough to take sometimes. In some ways, you may feel grateful and indebted to this person who has helped you in so many ways, but it can also feel hard to be around them. These nuances and complexities of your job are specific and complicated, and it may be hard for someone outside of your work environment to understand. If every time you talk to your mom on the phone she gives you grief about your job and makes you feel guilty about keeping it, telling you things like, “You should just quit that crappy job anyway,” it can put you in a difficult predicament. This can be a great place to set a boundary. Perhaps opting not to speak to your mother about work at all can be beneficial.

In setting a boundary, we have to ask ourselves what the costs and benefits might be. For instance, not speaking to your mom about work might mean that she’s salty when you change the subject in conversation, but a benefit might be that you feel less guilt about keeping your job. Setting limits, might mean that you feel less pressure to convince your mom that this job is a great opportunity. You have to decide what is best for you. Another potential cost of setting this boundary might be that when you have a difficult experience at work, you must find someone else to speak to about the situation because you’ve chosen not to discuss work matters with your mom. In some cases, this can be tough because we’re taking certain topics off the table. However, there are many things to chat with your mom about, and if work is not a safe subject, then trust your gut.

Limiting Interactions.

Instead of viewing boundaries as an ugly, distancing concept, maybe we can see boundaries as a way to keep people in our lives. We can do this by limiting our interactions with problematic people. For example, if being around your toxic sibling causes you a ton of stress and it takes you days to recover after seeing them, perhaps limiting the time you spend with them makes good sense. Maybe limiting the time spent with them to twice a year during the holidays would make easier to keep them in your life. By limiting this interaction, you can free yourself from going to other superfluous family events. You can finally say no to that summer barbecue or distant cousin’s wedding because you have set boundaries, and being around that sibling any more than you planned would be too damaging to you. It is okay to know your limits and to think about how you can keep that sibling in your life, rather than becoming so angry and explosive that you can’t be around them at all.

So, while boundary setting can be challenging, it’s not that other people have a skill that you don’t possess. There was no class in high school where you took Boundary Setting 101. It’s not that you were just absent that day. It takes time to get clear on what your boundaries are and how to communicate them effectively. If setting limits is tough for you, just relax, take a breath, and know that you can always set a goal in this area.

Therapy is a great place where you can learn to identify and communicate your needs. At the end of the day relationships and feelings can be tricky, but with practice we can learn to navigate these waters.