P is for People-Pleasing…and the Patriarchy
By: Dr. Kaity Brock
We’re all guilty of people-pleasing in one form or another. Maybe you’ve held back an opinion that might be controversial or not spoken up when someone hurt your feelings. Many of us struggle with an intense pressure to be likable and to avoid the pain of rejection. But what happens when you’ve gone too far and stumbled into people-pleasing? People-pleasing occurs when you have such a strong urge to be liked or accepted that you put others needs above your own.
People-pleasing can be problematic because it can lead to issues like struggling to voice your opinions, make big decisions, or know who you are. Sometimes, people-pleasing can become so pervasive that you have trouble actually knowing how you feel without consulting others for validation, or worse, you ignore their own internal experiences but don’t share them because someone else may not approve of them.
In today’s society, people-pleasing overlaps with other constructs like politeness and obligation. Much like other issues within the patriarchy, these overlapping societal pressures create a vertical relationship between our own needs and the needs others, meaning that people often put others’ needs far above their own creating a vertical dynamic of power. In extreme cases, people push their needs so far down to avoid rocking the boat that they neglect to even ask themselves how they feel or what they need. This can cause various mental health issues from identity crises, to depression, social anxiety, and more.
People-pleasing is rooted within the patriarchy, because social obligation so often tells people, especially women, to make themselves small in order to not cause trouble. These notions harken back to a time in the U.S. when making stifling your own needs made it easier for suiters to find you attractive and thus more eligible for marriage. If you are thinking these ideals seem outdated in today’s society, you’re not alone. But in reality, social obligation is still rearing its ugly head.
How does this play out in the real world today? Let me give you an example. Let’s say you’ve been invited to a friend’s birthday party. At first, you may be excited to go. This is a friend whom you support and you’re likely happy to celebrate them. But let’s imagine you get sick and no longer want to go. The duties of social obligation and politeness may dictate that you have to go to this event despite your own body crying out for you to stay home. So, what are you to do? Do you go to the party feeling awful, hoping that your condition will spontaneously improve, or do you risk upsetting someone else and voice your own needs?
Instead of giving into this toxic relational dynamic, perhaps there is another way. Maybe striving for a horizontal relationship between your own needs and the needs of others is the answer, where you are considerate of others’ needs, we’re not monsters after all, but where you consider our own needs just the same. So, in keeping with our example, if you are asked to go to your friend’s party and you don’t feel well, you simply let your friend know that you’ll need to leave early or not attend at all, and your friend wishes you well as they too want you to feel good. This is a universe we can all live in. One of mutual respect and consideration where your needs count just as much as everyone else’s needs.
If you or someone you know is struggling with people-pleasing, I encourage you to sign up for a free consultation today. I promise you are not alone in dealing with this issue and you deserve to have your needs met in your relationships, despite the patriarchy!
